Posted in Struggles

Longingly Rejected

Having ADHD has been a very difficult road filled with rejection and dysfunction. Time holds these memories that burn when they resurface. People who have loved me tended to want to reason or talk sense to encourage my optimism when I became overwhelmed in grief. I’ve been accused of being petty or too sensitive for not just getting over the pain of heartbreak or disappointment. The problem is, I have an executive dysfunction that impairs the way I regulate my attention away from something like rejection, which carries a weight packed on by decades of experience.

Emotional regulation is another difficulty that adds to the torment that circulates my head when I come across a very likely reminiscent scenario. Getting along socially is filled with little cues that someone like me may miss or overstep on. Impulsiveness, hyperactivity, and distraction become barriers in maintaining social relationships long term. You’d think that with so much rejection in someone’s life they would be used to it.

What happens is I shut down and withdraw. I spent years locked away from the world, refusing calls or even leaving the house. Learning about the facts has helped me find ways of forgiving myself and has given me the courage to keep reaching out. I study up on all the ADHD materials trying to find the right words to explain myself to family and friends. It hasn’t always been easy for people to empathize with something they can’t imagine force of will not fixing. Some of my family has been quick to dismiss me as being overly dramatic or seeking an excuse to get off easy, as if any of this has ever been easy. Some even angry that seeking professional help hasn’t “fixed” me.

I would like to end this with a happy note about how I developed a way of preventing these difficulties from interfering with my life and other people’s life who come into contact with me, but the truth is I will never be fixed. I will always make some uncomfortable and frustrated by my involuntary reactions. The severity of backlash isn’t as detrimental as it once was though. Instead of lashing out with anger and blame when I’m rejected by someone I have an emotional attachment to, I now retreat to find some solitude while the demons in my mind circulate and the pain overflows, reminding myself that it’s temporary. I end relationships with people who perpetuate abuse and I surround myself with people who are understanding and love me despite my differences.

If you suffer with this, know there is hope. It doesn’t get easier but you do get stronger. We live a unique life that is challenge to exist with but it is an existence worth experiencing. Love and happiness hits a little harder for us too and that is just around the bend.

Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit more about me and maybe a little bit more about you. I’m grateful for having your attention and support if you graciously afford me that gift.

Posted in Community, Thoughts

The Quirks That Divide Us

What if fitting in were easy? Would we appreciate the time we had to share?

It can feel comforting to relate and lead us to believe we should be separated to achieve harmony. In some cases that’s possible but how does that affect the choices we make?

What if we could trust that we were accepted and respected by everyone? Would that harmonize the world?

What if the world were compassionately honest? Could we then handle criticism and compromise?

Let’s pretend we have faith that this were true, that we were all cool with each other, we felt comfortable being honest, and compromising. Where would our choices take us? What possibilities would be open?

Fear keeps us from trusting and being honest. What if we could learn how to open up affectively and treat those who stumble with compassion? What kind of world would we be influencing then?

There is an abundance of love out there waiting for us all to unleash ourselves from our restricted beliefs. True, it’s not easy to find a utopia but if you aren’t struggling, you’re free to discover a whole new world to exist in.

A large squeeze goes out to all those who support and believe in my ambitious efforts to put my love out there. Thank you for trusting and compassionately guiding our efforts into existence 💋

Posted in Struggles

ADHD Parenting ADHD

Raising a family with sensitivities is exhausting af. It’s the finest love you can come across with deep sentiments and so much palpable energy that left untethered, is a lot to handle.

It can be done by anyone but coming out with a healthy mindset isn’t likely. When I was growing up, as an undiagnosed Adhd teen, force was used as the primary disciplinary measure. Even though it proved to be ineffective, there really wasn’t any time to be sensitive and patient.

With my sincerest hope, I had wanted to do better as a parent but quickly saw how managing multiple lives on top of my own left little room for my personal choices.

For years, I had been overcome with worry and fear from being absent from home, while someone else raised my daughter. Until one day, I was thrust out of that life and into a new reality. I had no idea how to fix or even teach my child one useful thing and I was still overcome with grief.

Fast forward to a stronger day. I’ve learned modeling behavior is very effective, along with reverse psychology, distractions, and direct eye contact. Parenting is still hard but now I understand why it has to be.

I’m thankful my life is hard. I wouldn’t have been compassionate if I hadn’t felt it when I deserved it the least. I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend this kind of fulfillment and peace if I hadn’t been deprived of it. I wouldn’t have this ambition if I hadn’t felt the abundance of time and the value of overcoming struggle.

I wouldn’t love my life if I hadn’t realized it’s all just an experience I don’t lead but direct in.

Thank you for taking this time out to hear my story. I appreciate your attention, patience, and support in making this experience possible. 💋

Posted in News

Holiday Cheer

It’s that time of year and I’m excited to spread some happy vibes and wake up the jive of a new spirit

New location for more movement

Thank you for making this all possible :). May this bring you the gospel of comfort, when love hurts, or you need a twerk of magic made from the fabric of the love you gave your fav :).

Cringe Incoming

I’ve had so many ideas on what could make our time more magical and meaningful from tucking you in to rocking you to sleep. It may take sometime to put together but I’m eager to work on it.

“I’m almost done hunny!”

What I know for sure about my plans for streaming this month is on Christmas Eve morning then the day after Christmas potentially daily to New Years while Beans is out of town. While she is on holiday break, I’ll be spending more time helping her get familiar with her new stream and preparing for the holiday streams.

See you as soon as fate allows :). Thank you for everything you do 💋

Posted in Front Page, News

Live Snugger

I’ve installed a Surveillance Cam in my office and granting trolling and controlling interactive options on my Discord server, where we whisper in text through our for DMs. What options do you want to see? This will be a zero fucks mature not a perv stream, keep it classy and a bit sassy or smartassy… butt not gassy

Posted in Community, Struggles

A New Day

I’ve been hesitating to make this post in case any jinx is hovering.

Health is a top priority in our lives but rarely are we given the luxury to actually care for ourselves. I’ve learned that pushing through can be like pushing on a pressure plate that will one day pop and cause more lasting damage. I’ve come to recognize that taking time also means sacrificing conveniences, breaking promises, and losing opportunities.

Time is a common problem with ADHD, it isn’t easy to recognize when to push and when to rest. There are realities that I have to accept that are less than ideal and disappointments I have to face when I fail to recognize my limitations. I have to be vigilant to stay on top of the routines that keep me even keel.

I’ve been sick for a long period of time and it really helped me to appreciate being healthy. It’s been depressing to feel resentment from not being a contributing member, especially when recovery isn’t quick. Feeling the warm embrace of friends that have kept their faith, forgiven me for my imperfections, and stood by me despite my absence is a healing gift that I don’t deserve but flourish with as a result.

Good news is, I’m recovering well and slowly making my way back to the air waves. I will happily streaming live on Twitch with ASMR and Just Chatting when I’m available and for short intervals.

I will be creating more eXclusive videos for my site and my daughter will be preparing for her cosplay gaming. I will be meeting with my supporters for movie nights and will communicate those days and times in our Discord.

I am back, I don’t know for how long or in what capacity but I will always be with you for as long as you shall love :).

Posted in Community

Laid up

It has been a very difficult year for everyone and every time I imagine myself writing this, I cut myself off and turn the channel. I don’t want to contribute to the sadness and despair out there but I also don’t want you to feel abandoned.

A couple weeks ago I lost a very important drive on the computer that held a lot of the work I had depended on to do my job. I have lost work before and recovered quickly but this time it felt like the tipping point.

I cried a lot with frustration and hopelessness, what a stupid year to exist in. All the problems and struggle to work, while schools are closed and no family to lean on to share the burden. I got mad and wanted to just burn all my dreams and move on, one less thing to screw up.

I could spend hundreds to recover my work but my audience wasn’t responding well as it was with the progress I had made and dedicated weeks to. It felt pointless to try and recreate it, especially cause now anything I saved would be in danger of deletion.

Instead I focused on helping my daughter with her virtual learning and maintaining our routines and structure. She is doing well now and with our progress, I felt better about coming back because I missed my friends and I still believed in my dreams but fate had other plans for me.

I lost close friends because I just couldnt be there for them and we never talked anymore. The community I wanted, a supportive and loving group who encouraged and loved each other unconditionally just wasn’t realistic especially without me around to lead it. I felt hopeless and disappointed because I just couldn’t do both no matter how much sleep I sacrificed and frankly, my work doesn’t feel very compelling with the love seeping out. Still hopeful with the encouragement of a couple close friends, I wanted to try.

I invested in a makeover and started dreaming up a new format. I got back on the screen and started socializing again. I felt energized about getting back to dancing and was making plans to remodel my office with my daughter by my side.

Then unknowingly, I came down with poison ivy from some soiled clothes I washed. I have sensitive skin and it spread like wild fire, I was miserable. I kept up with the creams and antihistamine that made me incredibly tired and useless. Now depressed, uncomfortable, and weary I am starting to notice bruises everywhere.

I’m afraid to see a doctor and get the virus but I am also nervous that it may be something else. I’ve been out of work for so long now and I’m close to becoming bankrupt, I kind of feel like I have no choice but to push and put myself at risk.

Seeing the world in much more dire of circumstances I feel it’s not right to add my story but I also don’t want to stay away without an explanation as to why I’m not holding your hand right now.

I’ve wanted to write something for awhile now but it’s hard to stay focused without feeling easily exhausted with weeks of immobility and despair. I don’t have any hopeful words to share or projections of when I’ll be back. I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and yearn to be there in more ways and reasons than one.

Much Love,


Posted in Community

Exposed Nerve

Thank you for the love and support. It’s still painful like a raw nerve just thinking about losing the dreams I had. There are tracks I can’t get recreate that I really loved, a vision I really wanted to be seen. It really pisses me off because it’s not the first time my stuff has been taken and I’m nauseated from the constant flipping of life.

It’s a helpless and defeating feeling to be reminded so often that I can’t rely on safety. It’s like how do you build anything if the ground keeps crumbling? I’m trying to get up but I’m stuck and fighting to move towards a future that feels pale compared to what I had tasted.

But a new future will exist, it’s not going to be what anyone expects but it will be a life I want to lead. All I can do is leave it in fate’s hands

To all my fans, I miss and love you so very much. I’m eager to put on a happy face and share a smile with you again. Thank you for keeping the faith and hope alive.