Posted in Struggles

Longingly Rejected

Having ADHD has been a very difficult road filled with rejection and dysfunction. Time holds these memories that burn when they resurface. People who have loved me tended to want to reason or talk sense to encourage my optimism when I became overwhelmed in grief. I’ve been accused of being petty or too sensitive for not just getting over the pain of heartbreak or disappointment. The problem is, I have an executive dysfunction that impairs the way I regulate my attention away from something like rejection, which carries a weight packed on by decades of experience.

Emotional regulation is another difficulty that adds to the torment that circulates my head when I come across a very likely reminiscent scenario. Getting along socially is filled with little cues that someone like me may miss or overstep on. Impulsiveness, hyperactivity, and distraction become barriers in maintaining social relationships long term. You’d think that with so much rejection in someone’s life they would be used to it.

What happens is I shut down and withdraw. I spent years locked away from the world, refusing calls or even leaving the house. Learning about the facts has helped me find ways of forgiving myself and has given me the courage to keep reaching out. I study up on all the ADHD materials trying to find the right words to explain myself to family and friends. It hasn’t always been easy for people to empathize with something they can’t imagine force of will not fixing. Some of my family has been quick to dismiss me as being overly dramatic or seeking an excuse to get off easy, as if any of this has ever been easy. Some even angry that seeking professional help hasn’t “fixed” me.

I would like to end this with a happy note about how I developed a way of preventing these difficulties from interfering with my life and other people’s life who come into contact with me, but the truth is I will never be fixed. I will always make some uncomfortable and frustrated by my involuntary reactions. The severity of backlash isn’t as detrimental as it once was though. Instead of lashing out with anger and blame when I’m rejected by someone I have an emotional attachment to, I now retreat to find some solitude while the demons in my mind circulate and the pain overflows, reminding myself that it’s temporary. I end relationships with people who perpetuate abuse and I surround myself with people who are understanding and love me despite my differences.

If you suffer with this, know there is hope. It doesn’t get easier but you do get stronger. We live a unique life that is challenge to exist with but it is an existence worth experiencing. Love and happiness hits a little harder for us too and that is just around the bend.

Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit more about me and maybe a little bit more about you. I’m grateful for having your attention and support if you graciously afford me that gift.

Posted in Struggles

ADHD Parenting ADHD

Raising a family with sensitivities is exhausting af. It’s the finest love you can come across with deep sentiments and so much palpable energy that left untethered, is a lot to handle.

It can be done by anyone but coming out with a healthy mindset isn’t likely. When I was growing up, as an undiagnosed Adhd teen, force was used as the primary disciplinary measure. Even though it proved to be ineffective, there really wasn’t any time to be sensitive and patient.

With my sincerest hope, I had wanted to do better as a parent but quickly saw how managing multiple lives on top of my own left little room for my personal choices.

For years, I had been overcome with worry and fear from being absent from home, while someone else raised my daughter. Until one day, I was thrust out of that life and into a new reality. I had no idea how to fix or even teach my child one useful thing and I was still overcome with grief.

Fast forward to a stronger day. I’ve learned modeling behavior is very effective, along with reverse psychology, distractions, and direct eye contact. Parenting is still hard but now I understand why it has to be.

I’m thankful my life is hard. I wouldn’t have been compassionate if I hadn’t felt it when I deserved it the least. I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend this kind of fulfillment and peace if I hadn’t been deprived of it. I wouldn’t have this ambition if I hadn’t felt the abundance of time and the value of overcoming struggle.

I wouldn’t love my life if I hadn’t realized it’s all just an experience I don’t lead but direct in.

Thank you for taking this time out to hear my story. I appreciate your attention, patience, and support in making this experience possible. 💋

Posted in Community, Struggles

A New Day

I’ve been hesitating to make this post in case any jinx is hovering.

Health is a top priority in our lives but rarely are we given the luxury to actually care for ourselves. I’ve learned that pushing through can be like pushing on a pressure plate that will one day pop and cause more lasting damage. I’ve come to recognize that taking time also means sacrificing conveniences, breaking promises, and losing opportunities.

Time is a common problem with ADHD, it isn’t easy to recognize when to push and when to rest. There are realities that I have to accept that are less than ideal and disappointments I have to face when I fail to recognize my limitations. I have to be vigilant to stay on top of the routines that keep me even keel.

I’ve been sick for a long period of time and it really helped me to appreciate being healthy. It’s been depressing to feel resentment from not being a contributing member, especially when recovery isn’t quick. Feeling the warm embrace of friends that have kept their faith, forgiven me for my imperfections, and stood by me despite my absence is a healing gift that I don’t deserve but flourish with as a result.

Good news is, I’m recovering well and slowly making my way back to the air waves. I will happily streaming live on Twitch with ASMR and Just Chatting when I’m available and for short intervals.

I will be creating more eXclusive videos for my site and my daughter will be preparing for her cosplay gaming. I will be meeting with my supporters for movie nights and will communicate those days and times in our Discord.

I am back, I don’t know for how long or in what capacity but I will always be with you for as long as you shall love :).

Posted in ADHD, Struggles

Hyper-Mysery

Today we are supposed to celebrate our Independence but I feel as trapped as ever. That idea seems more like an inspirational theory we hear to keep us moving through each miserable day.

The heat is extremely obnoxious and there is close to nothing for us to do outdoors. MrX has worked outside the majority of his life and is the least bit excited to do anything besides manage his ship in Eve. Beans and I can have fun but its usually a struggle at some point.

I hate not being able to be productive, I feel useless and each day feels pointless. The only highlight these last couple days have been dinner.

I feel disgusting, clammy, and each breath feels labored. I don’t want to be touched, My body is incredibly irritable and restless. I feel my thoughts just burning away in the flames and with no interest in attempting anything even remotely provoking.

Ok, that was earlier and now it is 0100. Everyone is asleep and I am much more comfortable.  It still says its 80 degrees but it definitely feels less hot. We have a pool reservation tomorrow and its going to be a tough experience. I’ve been trying really hard to get myself to leave the house for days now.

Symptoms

I always seem to panic with Idk what to do and I don’t feel like it because I want to get back to my social life, my work, all the routines I’ve conditioned myself to follow for months. This is like going through withdraw, I want to eat everything and anything that is tasty.

Remedies

I cut myself off from everyone, mostly.. I did get weak a couple times.

One thing that has been helpful to combating this in the past is having a reservation and luckily Beans is very tech savvy because she set it all up now I just need to follow the directions.  Now I have one focus, get there.

Introspection

I recognize that my freak out and my inability to leave the house are ADHD things.

My focus centers around one thing and I can’t see out of it, especially when I am sensitive to being physically uncomfortable lol… I’m sure everyone is.. I just mean I read somewhere that I can have an extra sensitivity if I am hyper-empathetic. Which I am, but there is always this underlying doubt that I don’t have something because I am literally my one and only advocate for ADHD in my family.

Difficulties

I have to educate myself on all the reasons, symptoms, and solutions so I can stop feeling so helpless and believe all the discouraging things being said to me in my head, from all the times I was criticized for failing to be “normal”.

Which is fine but it is hard to feel confident during the process because I forget a lot and I fall into old routines so I feel like I’m an idiot or something. Luckily, I know now that it is more about time blindness and not remembering so well. The suck ass part is having to teach my family because they always just look at me like I’m full of shit or just crazy.

They can’t understand what it’s like and I don’t feel heard by them, They don’t ask how to be helpful and often still think I can just get over stuff and these are my problems. Sometimes I see MrX get it and concede when he looks like he is starting to get a little resentful. I think he reasons that its just my womanhood doing that weird shit again and he’s got to man up and deal with it.

He does try by encouraging me when he sees me doing a good job. He usually responds with sensitivity when he sees that I’m struggling and makes a strange face that always makes me laugh. I’m always begging him to come with me places so that he can help distract me when it gets bad in public, but like I said, he hates leaving the house.

Its hard in the moment to be able to communicate what i need because i dont recognize it and my head is so dark it is not interested in getting better. I’m hoping that by writing these, that I will begin to be more helpful to myself and maybe someone else who goes through this same shit.

Fondly yours,

Missy