Today we are supposed to celebrate our Independence but I feel as trapped as ever. That idea seems more like an inspirational theory we hear to keep us moving through each miserable day.
The heat is extremely obnoxious and there is close to nothing for us to do outdoors. MrX has worked outside the majority of his life and is the least bit excited to do anything besides manage his ship in Eve. Beans and I can have fun but its usually a struggle at some point.
I hate not being able to be productive, I feel useless and each day feels pointless. The only highlight these last couple days have been dinner.
I feel disgusting, clammy, and each breath feels labored. I don’t want to be touched, My body is incredibly irritable and restless. I feel my thoughts just burning away in the flames and with no interest in attempting anything even remotely provoking.
Ok, that was earlier and now it is 0100. Everyone is asleep and I am much more comfortable. It still says its 80 degrees but it definitely feels less hot. We have a pool reservation tomorrow and its going to be a tough experience. I’ve been trying really hard to get myself to leave the house for days now.
I always seem to panic with Idk what to do and I don’t feel like it because I want to get back to my social life, my work, all the routines I’ve conditioned myself to follow for months. This is like going through withdraw, I want to eat everything and anything that is tasty.
I cut myself off from everyone, mostly.. I did get weak a couple times.
One thing that has been helpful to combating this in the past is having a reservation and luckily Beans is very tech savvy because she set it all up now I just need to follow the directions. Now I have one focus, get there.
I recognize that my freak out and my inability to leave the house are ADHD things.
My focus centers around one thing and I can’t see out of it, especially when I am sensitive to being physically uncomfortable lol… I’m sure everyone is.. I just mean I read somewhere that I can have an extra sensitivity if I am hyper-empathetic. Which I am, but there is always this underlying doubt that I don’t have something because I am literally my one and only advocate for ADHD in my family.
I have to educate myself on all the reasons, symptoms, and solutions so I can stop feeling so helpless and believe all the discouraging things being said to me in my head, from all the times I was criticized for failing to be “normal”.
Which is fine but it is hard to feel confident during the process because I forget a lot and I fall into old routines so I feel like I’m an idiot or something. Luckily, I know now that it is more about time blindness and not remembering so well. The suck ass part is having to teach my family because they always just look at me like I’m full of shit or just crazy.
They can’t understand what it’s like and I don’t feel heard by them, They don’t ask how to be helpful and often still think I can just get over stuff and these are my problems. Sometimes I see MrX get it and concede when he looks like he is starting to get a little resentful. I think he reasons that its just my womanhood doing that weird shit again and he’s got to man up and deal with it.
He does try by encouraging me when he sees me doing a good job. He usually responds with sensitivity when he sees that I’m struggling and makes a strange face that always makes me laugh. I’m always begging him to come with me places so that he can help distract me when it gets bad in public, but like I said, he hates leaving the house.
Its hard in the moment to be able to communicate what i need because i dont recognize it and my head is so dark it is not interested in getting better. I’m hoping that by writing these, that I will begin to be more helpful to myself and maybe someone else who goes through this same shit.