It has been a very difficult year for everyone and every time I imagine myself writing this, I cut myself off and turn the channel. I don’t want to contribute to the sadness and despair out there but I also don’t want you to feel abandoned.
A couple weeks ago I lost a very important drive on the computer that held a lot of the work I had depended on to do my job. I have lost work before and recovered quickly but this time it felt like the tipping point.
I cried a lot with frustration and hopelessness, what a stupid year to exist in. All the problems and struggle to work, while schools are closed and no family to lean on to share the burden. I got mad and wanted to just burn all my dreams and move on, one less thing to screw up.
I could spend hundreds to recover my work but my audience wasn’t responding well as it was with the progress I had made and dedicated weeks to. It felt pointless to try and recreate it, especially cause now anything I saved would be in danger of deletion.
Instead I focused on helping my daughter with her virtual learning and maintaining our routines and structure. She is doing well now and with our progress, I felt better about coming back because I missed my friends and I still believed in my dreams but fate had other plans for me.
I lost close friends because I just couldnt be there for them and we never talked anymore. The community I wanted, a supportive and loving group who encouraged and loved each other unconditionally just wasn’t realistic especially without me around to lead it. I felt hopeless and disappointed because I just couldn’t do both no matter how much sleep I sacrificed and frankly, my work doesn’t feel very compelling with the love seeping out. Still hopeful with the encouragement of a couple close friends, I wanted to try.
I invested in a makeover and started dreaming up a new format. I got back on the screen and started socializing again. I felt energized about getting back to dancing and was making plans to remodel my office with my daughter by my side.
Then unknowingly, I came down with poison ivy from some soiled clothes I washed. I have sensitive skin and it spread like wild fire, I was miserable. I kept up with the creams and antihistamine that made me incredibly tired and useless. Now depressed, uncomfortable, and weary I am starting to notice bruises everywhere.
I’m afraid to see a doctor and get the virus but I am also nervous that it may be something else. I’ve been out of work for so long now and I’m close to becoming bankrupt, I kind of feel like I have no choice but to push and put myself at risk.
Seeing the world in much more dire of circumstances I feel it’s not right to add my story but I also don’t want to stay away without an explanation as to why I’m not holding your hand right now.
I’ve wanted to write something for awhile now but it’s hard to stay focused without feeling easily exhausted with weeks of immobility and despair. I don’t have any hopeful words to share or projections of when I’ll be back. I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and yearn to be there in more ways and reasons than one.