Posted in Community, Thoughts

The Quirks That Divide Us

What if fitting in were easy? Would we appreciate the time we had to share?

It can feel comforting to relate and lead us to believe we should be separated to achieve harmony. In some cases that’s possible but how does that affect the choices we make?

What if we could trust that we were accepted and respected by everyone? Would that harmonize the world?

What if the world were compassionately honest? Could we then handle criticism and compromise?

Let’s pretend we have faith that this were true, that we were all cool with each other, we felt comfortable being honest, and compromising. Where would our choices take us? What possibilities would be open?

Fear keeps us from trusting and being honest. What if we could learn how to open up affectively and treat those who stumble with compassion? What kind of world would we be influencing then?

There is an abundance of love out there waiting for us all to unleash ourselves from our restricted beliefs. True, it’s not easy to find a utopia but if you aren’t struggling, you’re free to discover a whole new world to exist in.

A large squeeze goes out to all those who support and believe in my ambitious efforts to put my love out there. Thank you for trusting and compassionately guiding our efforts into existence 💋

Posted in Community, Struggles

A New Day

I’ve been hesitating to make this post in case any jinx is hovering.

Health is a top priority in our lives but rarely are we given the luxury to actually care for ourselves. I’ve learned that pushing through can be like pushing on a pressure plate that will one day pop and cause more lasting damage. I’ve come to recognize that taking time also means sacrificing conveniences, breaking promises, and losing opportunities.

Time is a common problem with ADHD, it isn’t easy to recognize when to push and when to rest. There are realities that I have to accept that are less than ideal and disappointments I have to face when I fail to recognize my limitations. I have to be vigilant to stay on top of the routines that keep me even keel.

I’ve been sick for a long period of time and it really helped me to appreciate being healthy. It’s been depressing to feel resentment from not being a contributing member, especially when recovery isn’t quick. Feeling the warm embrace of friends that have kept their faith, forgiven me for my imperfections, and stood by me despite my absence is a healing gift that I don’t deserve but flourish with as a result.

Good news is, I’m recovering well and slowly making my way back to the air waves. I will happily streaming live on Twitch with ASMR and Just Chatting when I’m available and for short intervals.

I will be creating more eXclusive videos for my site and my daughter will be preparing for her cosplay gaming. I will be meeting with my supporters for movie nights and will communicate those days and times in our Discord.

I am back, I don’t know for how long or in what capacity but I will always be with you for as long as you shall love :).

Posted in Community

Laid up

It has been a very difficult year for everyone and every time I imagine myself writing this, I cut myself off and turn the channel. I don’t want to contribute to the sadness and despair out there but I also don’t want you to feel abandoned.

A couple weeks ago I lost a very important drive on the computer that held a lot of the work I had depended on to do my job. I have lost work before and recovered quickly but this time it felt like the tipping point.

I cried a lot with frustration and hopelessness, what a stupid year to exist in. All the problems and struggle to work, while schools are closed and no family to lean on to share the burden. I got mad and wanted to just burn all my dreams and move on, one less thing to screw up.

I could spend hundreds to recover my work but my audience wasn’t responding well as it was with the progress I had made and dedicated weeks to. It felt pointless to try and recreate it, especially cause now anything I saved would be in danger of deletion.

Instead I focused on helping my daughter with her virtual learning and maintaining our routines and structure. She is doing well now and with our progress, I felt better about coming back because I missed my friends and I still believed in my dreams but fate had other plans for me.

I lost close friends because I just couldnt be there for them and we never talked anymore. The community I wanted, a supportive and loving group who encouraged and loved each other unconditionally just wasn’t realistic especially without me around to lead it. I felt hopeless and disappointed because I just couldn’t do both no matter how much sleep I sacrificed and frankly, my work doesn’t feel very compelling with the love seeping out. Still hopeful with the encouragement of a couple close friends, I wanted to try.

I invested in a makeover and started dreaming up a new format. I got back on the screen and started socializing again. I felt energized about getting back to dancing and was making plans to remodel my office with my daughter by my side.

Then unknowingly, I came down with poison ivy from some soiled clothes I washed. I have sensitive skin and it spread like wild fire, I was miserable. I kept up with the creams and antihistamine that made me incredibly tired and useless. Now depressed, uncomfortable, and weary I am starting to notice bruises everywhere.

I’m afraid to see a doctor and get the virus but I am also nervous that it may be something else. I’ve been out of work for so long now and I’m close to becoming bankrupt, I kind of feel like I have no choice but to push and put myself at risk.

Seeing the world in much more dire of circumstances I feel it’s not right to add my story but I also don’t want to stay away without an explanation as to why I’m not holding your hand right now.

I’ve wanted to write something for awhile now but it’s hard to stay focused without feeling easily exhausted with weeks of immobility and despair. I don’t have any hopeful words to share or projections of when I’ll be back. I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and yearn to be there in more ways and reasons than one.

Much Love,


Posted in Community

Exposed Nerve

Thank you for the love and support. It’s still painful like a raw nerve just thinking about losing the dreams I had. There are tracks I can’t get recreate that I really loved, a vision I really wanted to be seen. It really pisses me off because it’s not the first time my stuff has been taken and I’m nauseated from the constant flipping of life.

It’s a helpless and defeating feeling to be reminded so often that I can’t rely on safety. It’s like how do you build anything if the ground keeps crumbling? I’m trying to get up but I’m stuck and fighting to move towards a future that feels pale compared to what I had tasted.

But a new future will exist, it’s not going to be what anyone expects but it will be a life I want to lead. All I can do is leave it in fate’s hands

To all my fans, I miss and love you so very much. I’m eager to put on a happy face and share a smile with you again. Thank you for keeping the faith and hope alive.

Posted in Community

Sexism and Feminism

This summer many statements came to light about all the sexual harassment and assault happening within the gaming community. I saw many stories that sounded so eerily familiar that it really got me thinking about how I was complicit in allowing this to happen on my watch.

I sought out creators discussing this topic, Destiny and BadBunny. They discussed the topic of rape culture and the oppression of women. I hadn’t before really recognized the affect this had on my life until now but now it was all starting to make sense.

My Affirmation

I define my life, my consent matters, and it doesn’t give anyone permissions I don’t grant.

Ain’t nobody going to make me feel ashamed for liking and indulging in sexual practices. It’s a human response and it’s one of the most overwhelming motivators out there. To deny that is a prideful social cadence I’m not allowing to rob me of the few pleasures this life offers.

I recognize I have a responsibility to maintain my respectful distance and gain consent in more situations.

I recognize it’s my responsibility to hold my company accountable when they treat someone else as a sexual object or expose themselves without consent.

I recognize my reality and will do whatever I’m comfortable with doing legally and responsibly :).

Posted in Community

Sexual Advances

There has been a lot in the media about sexual assault and harassment. I had linked a post about this in Discord, which I thought I knew how I felt about it but now im starting to see a different picture.

 Im irritated and I just want to relax and be treated kindly. I definitely am not in the mood to be looked at like a conquest, like that is all I am. Like, nothing else is significant about me just my womanhood. I want to be treated with respect around my peers and colleagues like what I do is respectable but that didn’t happen tonight.

 Now im thinking, this is why she was so mad. The purpose of this movement is to point out how we are treated differently and hopefully move us towards more equality. Do I want to be apart of that or do I want to encourage being complicit? 

Like right now I really wish this streamer would not have flirted with me, but im also used to it and I’m starting to recognize how I always seem to go along with it like it’s normal. I’m not supposed to be flirted with and I am not supposed to flirt. How do I tell him without it hurting my reputation with him? I don’t right, he’s just doing his job. 

Cognitive brought up another point, he say she could also be held guilty of flirtation by the way she promotes her sexuality in her business in a very flirtatious way. So now Im looking back at how I have incorporated flirtation into my work and im like, should I have expected this? Do I have an obligation to be more responsible with my sexuality cause it is a form of sexual harassment?  

Is my sexuality my product? Am I on the clock when I’m out self promoting? I’m aware now and a little confused. So I’m working it out right now. 

My purpose is to help promote good mentalities for confidence and self esteem. Encourage better habits and show how to be kind to each other even intimately to promote more consensual relationships. 

So I can be helpful by not responding and encourage other conversation. Be aware that will be the first impression but I can help shape the lasting one I leave. I can be a good example and tone down the impression I am giving away. 

That revelation came to me by watching the next streamer. He puts on performances and the whole tone of the stream changes. I need to structure my live streams. 

Appropriately yours,